Wednesday, March 22, 2006
That is why...
Occasionally talks of death do come across the conversation between halil and I. *If given the choice, who would want to die first*. Halil insists that he wants to be the first to go. And I would insist on the same thing too..And the fight goes on....*if given the choice*..
What I really feel is this. I pray that Allah wont take both of our lives while the kids are young. If it is fated that one of us must go while the kids are still in their young lives, ,ı think that my absence will have a much lesser impact on them.
Just think, if halil go first, the financial support will go too. I will have to find work. Being a person with head cover, I cannot possibly go and work in the teaching profession; unless I take off my head cover. If I can find work in other industry, then it would be great. But no work? No work means no money. In that case,I may have to re route our residenship to Malaysia which will be a disaster for the children. To uproot them to another place..in this case another country will mean the change of people, the change of language, the change of life conditions which will lead to pshychological disturbance and depression.Those are reasons enough as to why I should be the one to go. If I go first, the kids will only lose someone to look after them,clean the house and fight or shout at them. That; any decent househelper can do. (any step mother can only come into the picture after the kids are married..tem please take note hehehe)
Dont misunderstand me. I do not want to die that soon. I always pray to Allah that He wont take both our lives just as yet. At least until both kids are independent. I pray too that I will be able to see my kids married with children.And before I die, I pray that I will get to see my family in Malaysia and go to Hajj. After all those, it would be nice to die together with Halil. But I do not want to live too long that I become a burden to my children. Allah knows when one dies.. Only He decides who and when one should go...The Ajal is unchanged.
But if one of us is to die while the kids are still young..and if given a choice..it is only practical and logical that i should go first..
That is why...
Occasionally talks of death do come across the conversation between halil and I. *If given the choice, who would want to die first*. Halil insists that he wants to be the first to go. And I would insist on the same thing too..And the fight goes on....*if given the choice*..
What I really feel is this. I pray that Allah wont take both of our lives while the kids are young. If it is fated that one of us must go while the kids are still in their young lives, ,ı think that my absence will have a much lesser impact on them.
Just think, if halil go first, the financial support will go too. I will have to find work. Being a person with head cover, I cannot possibly go and work in the teaching profession; unless I take off my head cover. If I can find work in other industry, then it would be great. But no work? No work means no money. In that case,I may have to re route our residenship to Malaysia which will be a disaster for the children. To uproot them to another place..in this case another country will mean the change of people, the change of language, the change of life conditions which will lead to pshychological disturbance and depression.Those are reasons enough as to why I should be the one to go. If I go first, the kids will only lose someone to look after them,clean the house and fight or shout at them. That; any decent househelper can do. (any step mother can only come into the picture after the kids are married..tem please take note hehehe)
Dont misunderstand me. I do not want to die that soon. I always pray to Allah that He wont take both our lives just as yet. At least until both kids are independent. I pray too that I will be able to see my kids married with children.And before I die, I pray that I will get to see my family in Malaysia and go to Hajj. After all those, it would be nice to die together with Halil. But I do not want to live too long that I become a burden to my children. Allah knows when one dies.. Only He decides who and when one should go...The Ajal is unchanged.
But if one of us is to die while the kids are still young..and if given a choice..it is only practical and logical that i should go first..
posted by simah at 9:09 PM
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