Anne's last days

I know I have made a few people shed a few tears..(in one case.. floods of tears ..*looking at...??*) when i wrote the entries on anne. I will not apologize for that. But I do apologize for perhaps opening the old pain of losing anne. Please believe me that my intention is pure. Anyway, today is the last day of my dedication...rest assured, the tears can stop by tomorrow...Smile people smileee!!

Anne...yes.. The sweet soul. The fresh breath of flowers...The sun that shines all over us in an effect one cant help but to feel the warmth of love when one is around her...Yet, that sun is gone to the other world now...The Almighty calls for her. And as for the living,her absence left an emptiness that cannot be replaced.

Towards the end of her life, the signs of the call of her ajal (death ) were there really. Only no one wanted to see them for what they were.

Before Anne was hospitalised, she was in Sapanca. The normal Sapanca people were there as well...let see.. Baba,MeŞe, Safa, Merve,Halil, Hatice, Baddin and I.. The usual crowd. It was among the best Sapanca as well...One of the things that we did was...One day, meselar and us decided to go for a walk and go wild blackberry (bögurtlen) picking. Anne who very rarely joined in in our activities decided she wanted to join us...What berry picking it was!! We walked quite far..picked loads of berries..halil,safa and merve even climbed walls to pick the berries!! ..And did we return to the sapanca house the normal way? Nope!! We climbed the wall (even Anne!!) of the next house (the bushy abandoned house) to reach our own house!! What a day.. !! and What berries!! And the day after that she played *i am running and catching you* with safa and merve...Things she rarely did coz normally she was just happy sitting somewhere in the balcony or the living room, smoking, chatting, knitting...and of course cooking!!


She felt restless in those days. Perhaps her Ruh (soul) had sensed the call of her death. She joined in activities which she normally avoided. And she felt really tired as well. There was one day she felt very exhausted and her temper was like....*boom!*...and in that anger she said... "I wish i can just go on a holiday to a place far away from everyone. Sleep there with no one to disturb me!!". It was said in anger of course...in the exhaustion and restlessness she felt..Or perhaps it was her soul speaking after sensing the call...??? and she got her wish eventually....though no one thought it would be so...

Then she was hospitalized due to pankreas infection. Infection gone, they found an extra meat or was it liver?(not sure) somewhere in her body. The doctor decided to take it out in a surgery. But before the surgery, she asked if she could go home to take a bath. She did..around i think for 12 hours. She went to her home.. took a bath with the help of meşe..And all that time she was saying.."ı think i am going to die tomorrow". Of course, everyone tried to calm her down. Everyone putting her words to the fear of the surgery. It was not a very big surgery after all. And yet, she kept insisting that she would die the next day. She sensed the call of death though none of us did... And yes...she did go to Rahmatullah...the other world at around 2.30am (pls correct me if i am wrong) the day after the surgery due to internal bleeding...

If we are the family who are in anger, we could have sued the doctor. We could have won. But her ajal was there..no one could do anything about it..No need to prolong the pain of losing her..

That day when she went home for a bath...when halil, the kids and i went to anne's house to visit her...Something weird happened. Hatice was still so small then..When she entered the house, hatice who would just normally run into the living room with her shoes still on, was fearful. She was frightened. She refused to go to the living room where her baba anne was sitting. It took us at least 15 minutes to persuade her. Could it be that she too sensed the death angel izrail lurking around...waiting??

Then, there was this feeling where Anne kept saying that she will die..Did she really feel her death coming nearer? whatever it was, she made sure that if she did really die, she made the lists of people of who she owed money to to kerim....

And when she came home for the bath, everybody got together that night. She saw everyone..her children.. her grandchildren..and I got to see her too for the last time...As she was leaving the door of the living room to go back to the hospital, i saw her looked at the house the last time...i felt somehow she was not coming back..but i just put that aside as something silly....i still remember that one look...she was looking straight at where baba's normal couch is...that one look...the look of goodbye?

She was lucky coz she could sense her death call. She was lucky coz she could see her children and grandchildren before she died. But her most lucky thing of all was..she was lucky as she was in her last breaths in the İcu...with meşe next to her and the rest of the boys in the other room...and she told meşe *ben gidiyorum* (i am going) ,

With meşe guiding her she managed to say

"AsyhaduAllaillahaillallah WaasyhaduannaMuhammadarasulullah"
(There is no God but Allah and Muhammad is his prophet-Tiada tuhan Selain Allah dan Nabi Muhammad itu Pesuruh Allah) .

She died in iman..in islam..What else can one ask for?
The rest of course, is in the hands of Allah...We can only pray..

And as for meşe.. she has fulfilled the biggest responsibility she could have as anne's daughter as she helped her mom to say that one most important kelime (Kalimah)..Instead of blaming herself for things that cant be avoided, she should be proud.Proud to be there..proud to have helped anne achieve the ultimate...goodbye..

********Al Fatihah*******